I am trying new things. I am trying to pay attention to my emotions when Mike and I are talking, I am trying to learn when I began to get upset or frustrated and pay attention to "WHY?". Why am I sad, why am I angry, why am I short tempered? In the process of trying to listen to my internal conversation I am learning a lot about myself and that I often don't really listen to myself but I sure react to myself.
I react to those feelings that are buried deep. It's like rocks and boulders hidden under the water in a river. I may not even see the rock but it can play havoc with the current and if I am not careful it can capsize me. Some years ago I was kayaking with my parents and Mike and the kids. As we were heading down the river, a shallow pleasant little river in PA, we came to a wide bend. I saw the big rock in the middle and decided to steer to the left, everyone else took the right channel. I was in the back of a two man kayak with my daughter Tessa in the front. As we came closer to that rock I realized we needed to go wider around it, otherwise the current was going to push us right onto that rock. Yet, try as I might, Tessa and I together were not strong enough to paddle away to the left fast enough. In slow motion we were pushed into the rock pinned there as the water rushed over the cockpit and filled the kayak with water. We simply stood up in the thigh (for tiny Tessa) and knee deep water next to out kayak unable to tug it free of the water pushing it against the rock. We had sunk our kayak!
I saw the rock and I did my best but in the end I still ended up wet and lost a few items that floated away as we struggled with the boat and the current. It seems to be the same in life, sometimes i see the rocks and I try really hard but I still end up capsized emotionally. Mike and my dad had been watching the current more closely that's why they went to the right and in a boat I am usually pretty good with picking the right channel but in life and family frictions I tend to sink the boat WAY TOO OFTEN! Primarily I realize I have work to do understanding where the boulders and rock in my emotional river come from and how to steer not just to avoid them but to let my story and experiences grow me instead of sabotaging me.
So I am trying new things because growth isn't just for the garden and as I grow I pray I am also maturing and better understanding how to live my story well, rather than as a series of accidents and capsized relationship moments.
He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom,so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ.
Colossians 1:28