I am sitting at my husband's desk in his office and I am ready to pull out my hair. I have dreams of what I want to do and yet so often I do not seem capable of making them a reality. Mike reminds me on a weekly basis that I am not strong physically, am sometimes scared of my own animals, often not the healthiest, and not mechanically inclined, yet I persist in wanting to have a farm. I really want to blog/vlog (video log) about the farm and spiritual growth yet I am so technically challenged that I can't seem to post a video, find the video I do post and am still at sea as to how to edit it.
Yet, still I persist. "Why?", you may ask. Well, because I keep being encouraged to try, both directly and indirectly. Every day I see and experience things on the farm that I think, "That will make a great illustration!" or "Wow, I want to share that!" And when I speak to those who know me best, they keep cheering me on.
It has been a life goal of mine to learn to persevere. I am haunted by a youth of "quitting". You name it, I quit it; ballet, violin, brownies, band, field hockey, softball, and so the list goes. I am haunted by the fear of being known as a "quitter" even though I have outgrown the habit (mostly, give me a tavern puzzle though, and watch full-blown quitter-mania in action!). Rather, I tend to become overwhelmed when faced with menial tasks that puzzle or frustrate me. Yesterday, I had to move a freezer from one house to another. This required pulling/pushing it up a flight of stairs and out a door that proved to be too narrow. To solve the dilemma we had to remove the hinges from the back of the freezer. Did I have a set of socket wrenches? Of course not, no just a one adjustable crescent wrench and some pliers, none well suited to the job. It took my son and I about an hour to remove eight bolts, EIGHT! I was not patient or sweet tempered about it either! There are at least four dents in the freezer lid that resulted from frustrated whacking (the bolts were on the back of the freezer, I was just hitting the freezer in sheer agitation!)
It is these moments when I long for a gentle spirit and great perseverance. So as I have been wrestling with recalcitrant technology and my own ineptitude tonight, I have reaffirmed my desire to grow through the struggle and I can't wait to look back someday and see how far I've come.